Unspeakable Acts

11 March 2003

In my dreams or is it my fantasies, i see you - i call implore beseech your cruel side.

In my dreams, or perhaps it is my fantasies, i seek to engage your cruelty.
How do i ensure...
The straps are tighter...
The rope bites...

In my dream/fantasies, i want to drive you to that place you hardly ever go.
That place you control.

In my dreams and my fantasies, i seductively entice your cruelty. Your devil's accomplice.

Then i wake. In my waking, it is i who is seduced and enslaved in your cruelty.

We hardly ever spoke about the sorts of rules and boundaries we both preach. Preaching is for others. It was understood. i, mesmerized by your energy knew instantly that i would kneel at your feet terrified and thrilled. You were equally enchanted. i remember each second your golden light pulled me towards you.... all that was on the periphery dimmed into shadow.

And here we are. At a threshold.

Where dreams and fantasies merge into realities. Where shadows move. Where we face that which is unknown within ourselves.

Choices. They trickle around me. Around us.
Defining the boundaries of the here. - to be or not.
Do i stay on the surface of these fantasies? Trim them to fit perhaps what i think are your boundaries? Be less shocking?
Do i escape this place in the third person? Speak of deep lustings via analogies, clever words, pretend 'tis imagination run riot?
Do i step towards to my fears, and naked, bare them. Do i dare?

i see your hand from under my lowered lashes. i smell your skin. So close. Time stands still, moves languidly. So close to me i open to let you in. Your hand. This is the hand from which the softest caresses come. Too, the harshest pain. What will it be now, this moment - here? i feel the warmth of your open hand circle my throat. It is dry, warm, fragrant - fleshy and firm.

Encloses my throat. Imprisons it. Captures my throat.

You command me to look at you. i resist for one second coyly wanting to hide my soul, impossible to. i stare into your clear blue eyes. My irises wide open to you. You demand, i obey.

Your hand holds my throat. In one instant, the firmness in your fingers could squeeze the breath out of me. Snap my neck.

The look in your eyes brings me back to the here. That indescribable look - of hardness, lusting, detaching. Of dangerous passion. You are here, this is your body, your scent yet you have given your body to him. That nameless one within you. The one i glimpse occasionally. *This* is his stare. The devil is here.

i feel my body melting. It would slip away were you not holding me - holding me by the throat. i want so much to hide from that hypnotic look in your eyes. i so want to slip my eyes away that i may not know the primal depths of your desire - it scares me. No - it thrills me too. i banish my slyness. Admitting to that is so hard yet when i do the thrill pierces me, compels me. i am the woman that kneels naked to your dangerous beast, incites it with her exposed throat.

i feel my heart beat in my throat merge with yours, beating in syncopation through your fingers. Your thumb strokes my carotid artery - we are silently joined in thoughts. You speak not a word. In the silence, we devour the hereness of the moment. Dangerous energies pulse between our souls. The precarious moment hangs in balance - do i dare? Do you?

"I find the fear in your eyes intoxicating. I look for it. It is that look that calls my darkness. That I can ... and, that I *will* induce it... when and if I desire it. That pleases me, thrills me."

i tremble at your whispered words. Still. i remain still, my heart stops, as you drink my thrilled terror. Your hand tightens. i am transfixed in your stare.

i try to form words to tell you... yes - please,... i try to form thoughts but they meander drunk on your dangerous passion. My eyes reveal their own secret darkness to you.

You put your head back and take a deep breath, release my throat.

My heart races. Keeping my throat exposed, with two hands i lift your hand, open your palm, kiss it - i want to tell you things, words escape me. i move my lips over your flesh in deep reverential submission. Staring into your eyes, i scrape my teeth in the flesh of your palm, gently biting, sucking savouring your taste.

i hear you tell me that my air of fragility combined with my deep submissiveness entices you. You tell me that the neat smooth line of my white skin is exquisite, that it incites you. You tell me that you have an urge to break it, mark it. In your speaking, i hear your attempt to control the beast within you... i need you to unleash it. i listen to your voice.

Wordlessly i prostrate myself, place my cheek on the floor. Lifting your foot, i place it on my neck and lie very still.

As i lie in the path of this hypnotic danger, i feel you like a thunderstorm, gather energy. My soul flies high. i sense you growing around me, engulfing me.

In the silence we hear each other.

You command me to kneel. Your mesmerizing voice is low and soft now, yet steely in its resolve. No questions. No thoughts now. No words. i kneel spreading my thighs wide open. Excitement and panic flood my veins in my submission. i keep my eyes down.

You watch me as i obey your order to arrange the instruments of torture you may use on me. i assemble the whips. You watch the way i touch each one with love. i lay them out, i brush my lips against them, kiss them, remembering, imagining... these leather extensions of your control of me.

Last, i lay out the knife. i linger over the blade, remembering the look in your eyes when you received this. i look up with a smile and see your hardness has entered you. i shiver, my eyes automatically turn downwards. i surrender to you, a whorl of possibilities. You hardly ever tell me unless you desire to - and so it should be for me. What will you do to me? It is this moment, on my knees and not knowing the answer that all control leaks out of me, flows in thick swirls of smoke to you.

i sink to my knees, spread my thighs wide and try to beautifully present you with your property - ah there is refuge in little rituals. i know you will be hard with me today because you need that... in my mind a little voice whispers 'you too'.

i hang, hurting.

My hair curls wet around my neck.
There is not a part of me that you have not stroked with your flaming touch. My body is stretched like a cross in mid air. Stretched wide, balanced on my toes, hanging from my widely spread wrists, hurting. Hanging, while my soul soars.

You pull my hair back, snap my head up, my eyes stare into yours. Oh God - the intense passion in your eyes electrifies me. Electricity jumps from your stare and sparks my clit. You know this, you know.

"I want you to know we have just begun" you say, "I want your mind to know, to see, to hear, to taste this. I am going to push you, harder, yes my love, harder."

i feel your fingers twist the nipples you own. Hard. It hurts. It hurtsithurtsohmyGodit hurtsithurts. i give you the tears you desire. i hang open to your pain, for your pleasure.

You trail your whip down my torso making me squirm with need, with fear, reactions responses... i stare into your hard eyes, longingly imploring you not to stop. Proud that i can endure and love your beast. This mad pride raises my eyes to yours-you see my loving gift and devour it. It is. i am proud.

Stepping back from me your whip snakes out swiftly stinging my exposed breasts. As you colour my skin, raise bruising welts, i writhe, dance... scream. We both need this.

You tell me to crawl over to where i have laid out your things and fetch your knife - in my mouth.

The carpet burns my knees as i move like a dog. Heart racing, i open my mouth and grasp the knife in my teeth and mouth. It is harder to do than i imagine. Dogs do this. the shame and the thrill lance through me like an electric spark. i know i am streaming wetness.

i kneel on all fours facing you, waiting for you to instruct me. Do i drop it on the floor; give it into your hand? i wait.

You silently take it out of my mouth; wipe it dry on my back and ass.

You tell me to stand and hold my hands behind my head. My breasts lift for you. Always my legs are open that you may have access to that which you own.

"I am going to tie you tight this time. So that you will not move. Though I love to hear your screams I am going to gag so that you really let go of your terror... You will scream louder behind the gag. Then I am going to cut you. Mark you."

You run the flat side of the blade up my right thigh. Will you hold it in your left hand or your right? The blade slides up my side, past the hip, waist. You scrape slowly under my breast. Slowly the metal glides its hardness to the tip of the nipple. You turn the sharp side of the knife towards my skin. i stare into your eyes as my breath stops. i am afraid, i am excited. i stand still and proud, surrendering.

All thought is concentrated at that tip.

Aliveness.
Passion.
Danger.
Pain.

My arms are spread out and bound securely to the corners of the bed. My legs bent over wide, spread wide are bound to my wrists. A gag fills my mouth.

My body stings, throbs. Now it aches. But if don't move then it all goes numb... until the muscles ache from numb, ache to move. Then when i move, even just slightly the stinging throbbing aching redoubles all over. There is no escape. i am a slave. no. i am your fuck toy.

My cunt is wide open. Fucked open. There is a trickle of my wetness and your sperm climbing up my crack. A fuck toy. That is what you call me. A fuck toy. Not even a slut! A mere object, a toy.

Does this embarrass me? Am i mad? Ashamed? No. Excited. Thrilled. Do i like this? Like is such a complex concept. No. i hate it. i hate pain. But you know. i know. i need this. You need this.

Need is simpler.

The door opens and i watch you enter. i look at you looking at me. You climb the bed between my wide spread crack. You don't touch me. Just look. You tell me i am wet. i nod. My body desires you, open and weeping it calls for you. Waits, for you. i ache for your touch, caress.

Master, Master, Master, please Master, fuck me pleasepleaseplease. My wild eyes speak to you, begging. You absorb my entreaties in your silence.

You will - when you want to.

You move your head to my cunt, move your succulent lips to the flesh you own. i fall into your mouth, sucked, held in my throbbing. Your lips seek out that nub of flesh and encircle it, gently sucking it up, then holding it tight as it pulses on the edge. i am moaning - you have tied me so tightly, i cant move. i lie there receiving exquisite torture. Your mouth moves into my groin and travels up my inner thigh. My clit throbs longing. The tension builds further in my restrained body.

Your mouth stops mid way up my thigh. Taking the softness of the flesh into your mouth you suck me into you. You let your teeth circle my flesh. Savouring the depth your hardness makes in my softness. Indescribably exquisite i savour your contact.

Drawing back your head you look into my eyes. Your fingers knead the mark you have bestowed on my thigh.

You climb off the bed and leave me alone again.

i lie there simmering in my juices of longing. Inflamed. Thy will. Yours and yours alone determine this. i lie there falling back into my aching. Struggling now with ferocious needs.

i am your fuck toy. Fuck toy. Fuck toy.

Alone.

The darkening bite mark throbs...

Again.

You part my buttocks and enter me. Again. Yes. Please.

Again.

In my restlessness I doze, i wake. Aware of the throbbing yearning as i wait...

... and wait.

In my longings i feel you enter me, impale me.
In my fantasies i see you part me slowly relentlessly.
Sharp and hot.
Knock my breath out of me.
You show me your blade. It sparkles white silver gleam.
My blood boils and churns in my head as the heat rises and rises.
i sink into an ocean of hot terror.

You are here again.

Between my aching legs.

i feel your hands softly stroke the inside of my outstretched thighs. There, where the skin is the softest. There, where the hollows in my groin are deep. There, where your mouth bestowed its mark in my flesh. You watch me shiver with pleasure at your feathery touch. The light touch is replaced with a cold one.

My mind snaps shut around my terror. You will. You intend to. This is real.

i want this so much. Fear this so much. i lie still and i struggle. i surrender i flee. i am suspended.

i want to kiss your blade. i want to take it into my mouth to show you i love you, trust you.

i want to hide.

i watch your hands kneading the spot you marked with your mouth. Feel you move the flesh. Please Master, yes.

i smell the antiseptic. Terror rises within me. You turn your eyes away from mine to the spot you have prepared, marked.

Was it in my dreams?

... i see your hand lift the blade.

Was it in my imaginings?

i watch the knife move slowly, pushing, parting the skin... my skin? Sharp heat. i taste the taste of terror. Hot and burning. Sweet.

The thin red line fattens, grows and runs down my thigh, pools in my groin.

You put your mouth to the parting you made in me, and relish the taste of me. i taste iron in your red kiss.

You dip into the pool of gathering red liquid.

Warm and sticky you slide on my engorged prepared clit, part my labia, and impale me.

Unspeakable acts.

Our eyes touch.

Timelessness.

Our souls interweave.

Our needs, built over countless centuries, satiated in this blood sacrifice...

... Was it in my dreams, perhaps my imaginings?

caroline