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Peter's story

13 July 1997

As far as BDSM is concerned, I have been Dominant since roughly about puberty. There was never any coming out for me, or any time when I thought that I was "vanilla". I always knew that I was a "pervert" and I accepted it early on.

Being dominant is not just part of my sexuality. It is part of all of me. In my work life and in my social life I am dominant. I was fortunate, when I was in my early teens, to work during school holidays, through my father, with other professionals having my own serious responsibilities. I found that I delighted in them.

I am happy to be in control. I am happy to have the responsibility and authority. One of the hard things that I learned about having this authority and the control is when NOT to use it. Much the same as with colleagues in a work environment, when you have a submissive partner you have to know how to hold the reins just tight enough so that she does what she should while still having the freedom to grow. It's not about holding her down. It's about pulling her up.

I have always been drawn to submissive women. Even before I could put a name to what I was, or recognised fully what I am, I always had partners that were, to some extent or other, submissive. It was what I needed.

I see my relationships as partnerships. I cannot be a Dominant without a submissive. I need a submissive to really be what I need to be, to realize my potential (though that probably sounds corny).

My sexual fantasies regarding partners have almost always included the idea that I was in control. My fantasies often involved my partners being naked, but they hardly ever involved actual sex. It was the idea of the control, and maybe the surrender, that I fantasised about, and it was this that always turned me on.

A couple of the key words in my life and my relationships are: trust, caring and respect. Without these any relationship, be it friendship or more, is hollow and without significance.

A real delight for me is to have a bright, intelligent and confident woman give herself to me, surrender herself completely to me, based on the trust that I have earned from her. It is an honour and makes me feel so warm inside. This is beautiful.

By nature I am very caring and nurturing. For me, important things when caring about a submissive partner are making sure that she feels that

  1. she is being used and appreciated and,
  2. she is respected for what she is and how she behaves for me.
She needs to feel that she is valued.

I have always put a lot of effort into my partners. I love to see them grow. I love to see them learn and become more confident with themselves, more content and satisfied with what they are. Being Dominant is a real responsibility. It is hard work taking care of two people, myself and her. But it is work that I revel in. Seeing my partner grow and shine, and seeing her smile and hearing the depth of her need for me in her voice are the rewards.

The term "BDSM" breaks down into Bondage&Discipline, Dominance&Submission and Sadism&Masochism. From the foregoing you can tell that I'm mainly into the emotional and intellectual aspects of Dominance&Submission. I am a bit of a sadist, but not much. I am not into giving lots of pain, and I am not interested much in punishment and discipline. They don't turn me on. Discipline is a means to an end and I use it so that my sub knows that I care. That's about where it ends.

Sometimes I see myself more as a Mentor than a Master. I am both, though. I have a woman now to whom I am "Master". She is my email slave and she is a delight. Well, most of the time she is a delight. We have had each other for only a few months now and there are still growing and learning pains. Sometimes I feel enormously frustrated.

Looking back over the short time that we have had I see how much she has grown, and every day I feel her commitment to me growing deeper. There is nothing more and nothing better I could ask for.


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