10 August 1997
My name is Brenda and my main BDSM experience is as an on-line sub. I
have been on-line now for about four years. During this time I have had
only four Masters. Three on-line [(IRC, etc.)] and one email Master. My
current Master I have been together now for nearly 2 years.
I must admit that I was very nervous when I first came on-line as a sub,
but things have changed now as I have grown and learned about myself and
my submissive feelings. On-line I have found lots of sources of
information so that when I have a question I can, most times, find the
answers that I need. The on-line sub community is really willing to help
and support other subs. I have found a great chat-line where I can
approach both subs and Doms for advice and support.
In this time I have found that many, but not all, on-line subs are there
because they are either new and wish to learn in a safe environment, or are
in a real-life situation where its just not possible to for them to take
care of the submissive side of their personalities.
Just like in real-life, I have met some Doms on-line that really don't
know what they are doing or who where just not compatible with my wants
and needs or I with theirs. This has meant that I have had some very bad
scenes and met at least one Master on-line that really did not care
about me and who played with me emotionally--this did cause some
problems in my real life. I have found that the hurt you feel on-line is
more painful than real-life but more fleeting.
It is important to sort out some guidelines before play starts, like
setting a safe-word to protect yourself and give you a safe way out of a
situation where you might feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
I meet my Master on-line at certain times of the day that are convenient
for us both; at this point in time that is 3 times a day. His morning,
his afternoon and his evening. As his sub I try to be available for him
as much as possible and fit into his schedule as best I can. As we have
been together for such a long time, we have learned how and what things
will effect us on-line. We use this experience and a few other tools, to
intensify our play and pleasures. We use the telephone as well as some
audio programs which allow us to talk over the Internet, and recently we
added a new twist to our play times: video conferencing, which allows
Sir to see me and talk to me at the same time.
Sir has at times set me tasks to do through my day, this may be from
what I wear to whether I am allowed to touch myself until we meet again.
He is very aware of how much I really enjoy the feeling of his total
control and this has led to certain rituals which I do that help to
intensify things for me. For example, when we meet I am not allowed to
wear panties, a simple command from Sir but one that gets me into the
right mind set.
He has also has sent me things, a necklet with his initial on it as a
symbol of his collar, a sash that we use as a lead or however Sir wishes
me to use it; these all aid our play. Over the course of time I have
gathered a nice collection of toys: leather cuffs, clamps, vibrators and
dildos which we use to enhance play.
Scenes we don't like to plan as such. If it happens it does. If not,
well that is fine as real-life can sometimes dictate this as well. But
when I know and we have planned a scene I can start to feel that
sub-space closing in on me as I prepare. I do this through the ritual of
my bath, then the way I dress for Sir. I dress as I know would please
him. Most of the time I do this mainly for myself It helps me sink into
that wonderful mind-set. We try to keep actions as real as possible and
that way I can physically comply with all his commands, thus making it
all much more real for the both of us.
We don't play in the public rooms. We tend to keep it private, but when
in public rooms I have instructions to be polite and I keep close to
Master normally sitting or kneeling at his feet. I can interact with
others but he may pull me back up if I become cheeky or misbehave at
The most intense form of play for me is the video conferencing as I know
that, as Sir delivers his commands, all the time his eyes are on me;
watching and correcting me as need be. Just knowing he is seeing and
hearing is more than enough to allow me to slip into that special
sub-space. I have had a few times where sub-space was so intense and
overwhelming, that Master has had to call me on the phone to make sure
that I was OK.
But, as you all know, the 'net can be a fickle thing, and we have often
had times where the links have gone down during a scene. This can cause
it's own problems. As a backup we use the telephone; just a quick call
so that neither of us is hanging. The only thing is that sometimes this
can bring you down with a real thud; as when you are in that mind-set it
can be hard not to have a proper ending, so to speak.
I am happy with subbing on-line. It gives me the freedom to explore
myself and to do so in a safe and fairly relaxed environment. I will
admit that I would like to take this one step further and go real-life.
If I were in a capital city that might be a real option for me but as I
am in the country it's more difficult. My on-line Master takes a lot of
care to make sure that all my needs are met--the same as I do for
him--but real-life still beckons me and I hope at some stage to find
someone that I feel comfortable with and who is willing to accept me for
what I am and teach me and then allow me to serve him.