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A conversation

07 September 1997

Here is a conversation between an experienced Mistress and slave-owner(FM), and a relatively new Master (XM). They discuss feelings of loneliness and emptiness that the Master experiences.

The conversation, unfortunately, ended prematurely (ie. was interrupted) and could not be resumed.

XM: I wanted to talk to you about my reaction last time we spoke
FM: (nods quietly and sits close)
XM: You may have noticed MY emptiness?
FM: It's OK... I do understand somewhat already, but I would like to hear it from you directly. I was worried
XM: I often feel sort of lonely
FM: I can relate to that
XM: I don't know for how long this has been... a few years, a decade... I don't know. I don't remember.

I cannot work out exactly what it is coming from... It's there... and it is people-loneliness. That much I know.

I strongly suspect my need to teach

FM: (nods quietly)
XM: I taught for many years--adults... One-to-one... Physical--a sport--and it was satisfying. For a couple of reasons I cannot do that any more... I think that is part of it
FM: Not being able to teach like that?
XM: Yes. Part of it
FM: (nods)
XM: You can see it with how I deal with my slave, barbara.

barbara is very good. She has settled very nicely

FM: (smiles softly and nods)
XM: It's comfortable for us both. I don't need to have her do things for me to feel like I am her Master. It is in her attitude... and mine, of course

But there is my emptiness. It's not intrusive. But it gets woken up sometimes though...

Like when we spoke last. I think that was good. My reaction will tell me a lot about it... When I have time to analyse it a bit

FM: I was worried when you reacted the way you did.

I am now, too. But I am worried I may have hurt your feelings.

I don't want to do that; especially not yours.

(looks at XM softly)

There is one thing I want to say ...

XM: I am not hurt. It has just, er, uncovered an old wound. Maybe I could say it like that
FM: Can I do anything to help or make it feel better?
XM: You could tell me what my emptiness is(smiles).

It's not you, or what we were talking about

FM: (smiles softly)
XM: I do not feel any hurt from you. It comes from inside me
FM: How does it feel?
XM: The emptiness? I could cry sometimes. Particularly when I am tired or drained emotionally... A longing... craving. You know how that is?

That's why I listen to sad music sometimes. It helps it come out

FM: (nods; understanding all too well)
FM: A craving for ...?
XM: I don't know... I have trouble working it out. Maybe I am blind to it... blocked somehow
FM: May I speak and you can tell me if I am wrong?
XM: Certainly. You do not need permission. I am fairly robust (smiles)
FM: This is not so much about BDSM as dominance and submission?
XM: I agree
FM: Would you say that your feeling could be considered a 'primal wound' of sorts?... something almost instinctive? It's just 'there'?
XM: Hmmm. I agree pretty well
FM: Sometimes men, as Doms, come to me; not understanding similar feelings not comprehending the source and then feeling depressed. It is not common but it is persistent.

It is a yearning--for them, at least--for the totality of having someone belong fully to them; to be complete in mastership and dominance...

They are afraid--in a way--of their own 'maleness'.

XM: How do you perceive me?
FM: Not so much afraid. I see you as not understanding the power this has for people like us who know themselves well enough to reach these emotional levels
XM: I do not understand... Not really well, anyway
FM: The emptiness is primal and most people have conflicting moralities which make it harder for them to accept
XM: What conflict do you see in me?
FM: (thinks quietly)

I think that you underestimate your skills and your desires and needs as a male and as a dominant. I believe you are feeling unsure of you own ability to master but that your upbringing has made it difficult for you to accept the level that you have already reached let alone to go deeper into the nature of D&s

XM: What did you mean by: "I see you as not understanding the power this has for people like us who know themselves well enough to reach these emotional levels"?
FM: OK. Two things:

First, when people 'play' at D&s they open a doorway back to the past--not recent, but waaaaay past--to a primal and instinct-driven existence. Even if they just 'dabble' they open the door.

Some never recognise this at all and never explore it. Sex gets in the way (smiles) ...

For some it is almost 'intrinsic' and a very natural regression; and one that holds a lot of fear because of 'social' acceptability. Ie. 'I can't feel this way because of such and such'.

But the levels of this are reached in stages. I think that you are at the beginning of understanding. The emptiness is a way of you saying to yourself, something is missing.

And there is more:

Most people are so afraid of taking the power on this level. I was and still am. It is natural.


I am probably right off base here, but that doesn't mean that it is any less important. This stuff is so real for so many. BDSM opens doors into things that most people are not even aware of and can't always cope with. It's about psychology as much as sexuality

XM: Hmmm. (smiles) I think that you are close and not close. However, I am open to your thoughts because I respect you and KNOW that in this you are an expert.

Insecurity might play a role. I don't think that fear does. I am not afraid as far as D&s goes. I cannot detect any fear in myself

FM: Fear has many faces and is a good emotion, not a bad one sometimes
XM: I agree. But I detect no fear as far as mastering and domination are concerned, or even submission for that matter
FM: Maybe, then it is a 'restraint' type of feeling? Or holding back?
XM: Restraint, maybe. But that is because I don't have anyone to explore myself with, I think. In exploring a sub I explore myself


I take my time to look and learn. I hope that I find someone as a consequence of what I am doing these days.


Can you clarify what you said earlier about Doms coming to you?

FM: OK. I train slaves to be slaves--as you know--and in my work I must, by proxy, also train the Master to master their 'new' slave, the one that 'comes out' during my training
XM: (nods)
FM: When they, the Doms, are confronted with the reality of the slave "need" and the slave "submission" many of them freak. So I spend time explaining and teaching them that it is OK for them to feel and to want to master on this level, that it is OK to have the overwhelming urge to yell, "she is mine".

And then I teach them how to use their new slave well. It's almost a conquering process of both the slave and the societal barriers.


XM: (sighs) I have so much to learn, not just about myself
FM: More often than not, it is the Dom who needs to returns for more 'training' rather than the slave.

I learnt through experiencing it first hand. I was lucky.

I seem to have an ability to relate to males on a level that not many women can

XM: Hmmm. I relate to females
FM: Yes (smiles), I know
XM: Do you detect submission in me?
FM: Do you wish my honesty truly?
XM: I would not have asked otherwise
FM: For each us to go to the depths we must in our hearts to feel whole. I see submission in you, in all people. I see the need to be and feel the complete experience. One can only Master when one has mastered self. For me and people like me this means submitting to the process and then and only then being able to fully understand it

To be a bird, to really understand what it like to be a bird, you would have to be a bird right? ...

(sighs) I don't think that I am explaining this too well


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