destiny's story

24 July 1997

And now, as my time draws to a close, i think back upon the initial moments of panic and doubt i felt as i was alone with Him for the first time (not more than 30 minutes after i stepped off the plane in Brisbane)... and i realize that those feelings are long gone, replaced by a feeling of comfort, peace and happiness... completeness. These feelings i have now, seem odd for the scared girl who once swore she would never let ANYONE call her slave... but look at that same girl now! If you were to ask me now, i would gladly tell you that, "i am slave..." and know that in my heart, it is the truth... it is me.

The funny thing is that before travelling half-way around the world to "play" at being "slave" for the summer, i thought that being slave would make a significant difference in how i acted and lived, as well as have a profound impact on my life in general. It hasn't. Well, that isn't entirely true... being slave has changed me and the way i think--at least according to Master it has; but that is the catch... i don't notice it. The collar around my neck, that was put there the first night i arrived, is no longer a foreign body, attached to me... it is a real part of my being, one i don't notice for the most part... and one i dread living without when i return home, to prepare for returning to be with Master once more.

What i notice most is a strong sense of peace within myself since i came out here. It is as if i have found the "human" inside me... merely by attempting to let the slave in my heart free. And yes, that slave inside me fights many things, including herself. i find simple things difficult, such as addressing Master properly, in a consistent manner--but other things have become such a part of my life, that they no longer seem strange.

For example, recently, Master took me away for the weekend, and while in a mall i was cutting up something horrible, until i went too far in teasing Master. Master turned to face me and informed me that i was about a hair's-breadth from learning what it would feel like to kneel in a busy public place. Two months ago, i would have panicked at the very thought of doing such a thing, however... now (and at the time in question) my only thought was that it didn't matter what i did... as long as it pleased Him. In that split second after He said that to me, my mind actually saw me kneeling anyway... and as i prepared to do it, He began to walk off, so i merely followed... but longed for the missed opportunity to show Master that i am His, and i know it.

Even leashes don't bother me now. i never thought i would LIKE the idea of being formally collared or leashed in public... but Master has threatened that for my birthday, and i don't mind; rather, i hope it happens, even thought i cannot explain why. Perhaps, i think it is just a way of saying to the world that i am owned, i am slave. A way of shouting to the world and everyone in it... "i am SLAVE... and i am HAPPY!!!!!"

The difficulties i deal with most often are found in my own mind. i often don't feel "slave," rather... i feel no different in my actions or thinking, than when i arrived here in May. When i voice my concerns about not being a "good" or "real" slave, He laughs at me, saying that i'm silly. i have a hard time dealing with the idea that He is my Master, and as such, will let me know when i am failing Him in word or deed, until that time... i have no need to worry. But, my fear of disappointing Him remains and is very real... i long to be good for Him and to make Him happy.

Yet, i am human... and as such the time of punishment did finally arrive, just as He long ago predicted it would. Although it was over quickly and the pain was mild, physically... the emotional pain was far worse than the three swats with the carpetbeater. Knowing that i had failed Him made me want to pull away from Him, to be alone in my mind to let the misery of disappointing Him fester and grow... but He wouldn't let me do that, even though i didn't want Him to touch me, because i felt unworthy of His touch, or caress, He held me in and made me talk...

Master asked me what i was feeling, and what was going through my mind... even though i didn't want to face Him or my thoughts at the time. He does that quite a bit, often asking me out of the blue, how i feel or what i feel about my slavery. The answers to those questions are often difficult for me to give, because i don't often sit and think about my slavery, or my feelings about it... i just let myself go and feel what arises within me--my mind is too full of images, ideas, dreams and feelings... as is my heart.

And my heart IS full, terribly full at times. You see, for me, happiness is seeing Master smile and hearing Him laugh. Ah... there is much laughter in my life now. Before coming to be with Master, i was afraid that life as slave with Him would be a cold, dour existence, and i was wrong... VERY wrong!

There are times when laughter fills me--making my heart swell with happiness. However, the happiest times for me are when i know Master is pleased with me. Those times give me an incredible urge to curl up at His feet, with my head on His knee... and merely... to "be" with Him. Sometimes He laughs when He catches me looking at Him, quietly staring and devouring His every movement. When He sees me doing this, He usually asks what i'm doing, and there is no simple answer... i am simply learning Him by heart, so that if this time together is never to happen again, He will always be in my mind and a part of me.

But does this tell you what it is like to be slave?--No, it doesn't because i don't know the answer to that question. For me, i know that the feelings i have now are just the tip of the iceberg and will only grow. i know this, because the desire to please Master only grows stronger--but there is so much more to learn, do and experience in my quest to please Him.

My time with Master is almost at an end, and i don't know if i will ever return to see Him again and to have the chance to grow deeper as slave and to have the opportunity to give more of myself to Him. But despite the waning time, the desire to please Him at my very core of being gets stronger, until i feel my heart will burst with the happiness His smile, laugh and words bring me. To me... THAT is the slave... that is Destiny.

destiny